Duncan had just woken up from a long night’s sleep on the park bench where he now sat.
He sat up on the bench, perked his doll up on his leg, as he usually did, put his hands in the correct places, and cleared his throat.
“I say Janice; today looks to be most pleasant. Most pleasant indeed,” Duncan said in his best rich-man voice.
“Why yes, Duncan, I think you’re right. I had planned to go home and bathe, since I am absolutely filthy, but instead, I believe I’ll sit right here with you all and enjoy the breeze and the sun. And also your handsome face,” Janice said in her high-pitched squeaky voice.
Duncan smiled and looked around the park. More and more people were coming out. It was Saturday, a wonderful day for performers like him.
“Janice, are you sure you don’t want to take a bath? You are indeed quite filthy. Your police uniform is sticky! What made you so disgusting?”
“Why, you did, you scamp. You dirtied me up last night!” Janice almost shrieked.
A man who was jogging, slowed to watch the man and his dummy. Then instead of leaving money, he made a face, much to Duncan’s disappointment.
“Why Janice! You know that I would prefer you clean! Why don’t you at least go splash around in the fountain?”
Duncan coughed. His neck hurt this morning, probably from sleeping on the bench at a strange angle.
“You rogue! You can’t do what you did and just toss me away! You’re lucky you’re so horribly attractive,” Janice said, looking at Duncan with a twinkle in her dull eyes.
Over across the path, two men were sitting down, also enjoying the beautiful day on a bench. Duncan liked seeing how happy everyone was today. He was starting to feel a kinship with the entire world. The more happy people he saw, the happier he felt.
“Janice, if you don’t go wash up right now, I’m going to pretend that I don’t know you.” Duncan raised his eyebrow in verbal victory.
“That would be quite rude of you after making bench love last night under the beautiful stars,” Janice said in her squeaky seductive voice.
Duncan hadn’t expected Janice to say this, and he was genuinely surprised.
He shifted a little in his bench, and slapped Janice heartily on the back, accidentally causing her head to roll forward unnaturally.
One of the two men across the path whispered in the other man’s ear and they both gave Duncan and Janice a strange look.
He saw this, but tried to ignore it in order to keep his happy mood going.
“My goodness! What a-What a wonderful secret to share with everyone here!”
Duncan quickly fixed her head, although it seemed a little stiffer than usual this morning.
Duncan figured it was probably just from the morning dew.
The two men got up, and with one last glance at Duncan, they walked away.
Luckily another man, a richer man, stopped and stared at Janice curiously.
“Now it’s your turn. Give me a secret my little dumpling waffle!” Janice shrieked.
Duncan was caught off guard by his own words.
He hadn’t meant to make Janice say that.
“Why- why don’t we do our routine Janice?”
“Why don’t we make love on the park bench again today? It was so wonderful.”
Duncan started sweating.
A crowd was gathering, and he desperately needed money, but this wasn’t the routine at all.
“Janice, just look at all these people. I’m sure they would like to watch our show now.”
“You don’t want to kiss me and take off my little policewoman outfit again, pudding lumps?”
“Of course not Janice, now stop it!”
Two or three people in the crowd chuckled softly, but the others stared with furrowed brows.
“You were so strange, molasses muffin. You held me tightly and told me that you were sorry, but you couldn’t help yourself.”
A woman took her child by the hand and left the crowd. Duncan heard the child ask, “Mommy, why is the doll so big?”
He couldn’t deal with this. What was wrong with him? He took a deep breath and started the routine.
“I say there Janice, I was just down at the park the other day and I saw the most peculiar thing.”
“Duncan, is it because I’m dirty?”
“I’m sure you’re wondering what I saw Janice. Why I saw a man-“
“Duncan, you did this to me.”
“-I saw a man who had a misshapen head, like a potato.”
“You made me like this.”
“He was- he was having trouble walking with his large deformed head, weaving this way and that to-“
The crowd was shifting uncomfortably. No one was laughing now. Duncan had to put an end to this before anything got any worse. He tightened his grip on the back of Janice’s neck and forced her to stop looking at him and focus on the crowd. Something in her neck cracked.
“He was weaving towards a hotdog vendor.”
“I was just trying to do my job and you hurt me.”
“And the hotdog vendor looked at his lumpy potato head and said-“
“I’m calling the police,” a man in the crowd said, leaving.
A child asked his father why the doll was covered in paint, but his father didn’t hear him.
“…some kind of prank?” Duncan heard one teenager tell another. The whole crowd was beginning to buzz now. “…looks so lifelike...” Duncan was breathing quickly and heavily. “…wrong with her neck…”
“JANICE! DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE HOTDOG VENDOR SAID?”
Everyone was quiet.
“Sir, I think something’s wrong with your brain.”
With that, Duncan collapsed into his hands, and began to cry. Janice slid off his lap and fell off the bench and onto the ground with a sickening thud, her neck twisting all the way around. The crowd started screaming.
